Embracing Your Complex Feelings When Supporting Your Gender-Expansive Child

By Navneet Kaur, PhD

As a parent, our role is to nurture, guide, and support our children, no matter the decisions they make or who they are. But when your child comes out as LGBTQ+, it can stir up complex emotions within us.

We may feel angry, due to living in a society where we may not be able to provide our child the kind of protection we want them to have; or we feel sad and grieve the future that we imagined our child would have as their birth gender. Having a therapist to help you and your partner through your own transition to being supportive parents can be vital in your child’s and your mental health. 

And though we are going through our own emotional journey when our child comes out, there are far more complicated emotions that your child will be experiencing. But there are many ways that you can be sure to help them through their coming out process. 

Here are some key aspects to consider when supporting your LGBTQ+ child.

1. Acknowledge and Affirm Their Identity

When your child comes out to you, it’s a moment of vulnerability and courage. They are showing you their true self, and your response matters deeply. Acknowledge their feelings and affirm their identity. Words like, “I love you just as you are,” or “I’m proud of you for being true to yourself,” can go a long way in building trust and confidence.

Us parents sometimes worry about the best way to respond, what to say, how to say it etc. But the most important thing is to offer your child acceptance. Understand that your child may have been struggling with their identity for a long time before coming to you. He/She/They may be terrified of your reaction. This is why your affirmation is crucial in helping them confidently navigate their journey.

2. Educate Yourself and Stay Open-Minded

One of the most important steps in supporting your LGBTQ+ child is to educate yourself about gender, sexuality, and the unique challenges they may face. There’s a vast array of resources available, from books to online support groups for parents, all of which can help you better understand what your child is experiencing. One of the best things you can do for yourself, your child, your home, is to be in therapy yourself. Have a safe space for you to ask questions, air frustrations or grief, so that you can arrive at a more affirming and respectful place. 

You may not have all the answers right away, and that's okay. Being open to learning, asking questions, and showing a willingness to understand can strengthen your relationship with your child. If you’re unsure about specific terminology or concepts, ask your child for clarification—most LGBTQ+ youth are willing to help their parents understand and grow. And they are simply asking for the same in return. 

3. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment

The home should be a sanctuary, a place where your child feels safe, accepted, and loved. Unfortunately, LGBTQ+ youth are at higher risk of bullying, discrimination, and mental health challenges, due to the unfair treatment they often receive. These struggles can extend to school, social circles, and even family dynamics. Make sure your home is an affirming space where your child can express themselves freely without fear of judgment or rejection.

This might mean removing harmful language or stereotypes from your household, offering support when they face discrimination, or simply being there to listen. Some parents also choose to become active advocates for LGBTQ+ rights, helping to create a more inclusive and understanding community for their children.

Often times, this will also mean having conversations with any other children in the home (with the permission of your LGBTQ+ child of course). Making sure they are accepting and affirming is just as important for your child. 

4. Respect Their Pace and Process

Coming out is a personal process that unfolds differently for each person. Some children may feel ready to tell their friends and extended family right away, while others may take months or even years to feel comfortable sharing their identity. Respect their pace and let them set the boundaries for how, when, and with whom they share their story.

Some children may also experience changes in how they identify over time. This is normal and part of the natural process of self-discovery. Be patient and provide a space for ongoing conversations. Your willingness to embrace this evolving journey helps your child feel secure in their identity.

5.  Be an Advocate

In many parts of the world, LGBTQ+ individuals still face significant discrimination and lack of legal protections. As a parent of an LGBTQ+ child, you have an opportunity to be an advocate—both for your own child and for the wider LGBTQ+ community. Advocate for inclusive policies in your child’s school, speak out against harmful rhetoric, and champion LGBTQ+ rights in your community. Showing your child that you’re committed to supporting them in every aspect of their life helps reinforce that they are not alone.

6. Seek Support for Yourself

Parenting an LGBTQ+ child can bring up a range of emotions—pride, confusion, fear, or even guilt. It’s normal to have questions or feel uncertain at times, but don’t be afraid to seek support. Whether it’s talking to other parents in LGBTQ+ support groups, seeking guidance from a therapist, or reading more about the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals, it’s important to take care of your own emotional well-being too.

It’s okay to take time to process your feelings and seek advice from others who are walking the same path. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey and getting support from those who have been in your position will be the most beneficial. 

Conclusion

Parenting an LGBTQ+ child requires empathy, love, and a willingness to grow alongside them. Your unconditional support can make a profound difference in their emotional and mental well-being. By educating yourself, affirming their identity, advocating for their rights, and seeking support for yourself, you not only strengthen your relationship with your child but also help them thrive in an often challenging world. Through love, patience, therapy, and open-heartedness, you can ensure that your child knows they are deeply valued just as they are.

Reach out today to seek some much-deserved support for yourself as you provide nurturance to your child.